fighter

*I wrote this post back in September. I just realized I never published it. 

I saw someone I hadn't seen in awhile. She asked if I had cancer and I told her my story. She commented that I was a fighter. That made me want to laugh. I am sooo not a fighter. But this actually gets said to me often so it's been on my mind lately.

I've said from my initial diagnosis, that if my choices were flight or fight, I'd choose to flight every time. Most of the time I'd rather run and hide from uncomfortable situations. I'd rather pretend it wasn't happening or wash my hands of it and separate myself from it. I'd rather escape than face it head on with courage.

So the thing is with cancer, you don't really get a choice to flight or flight. You just do. You have to "fight. " You have to do it. What choice do you have? Yes, I guess my thoughts have gone to those dark places of what that other choice would be if I didn't fight, because I have such fear of anything medical, but I know that is not my choice or one of my options. So I take it day by day and I just do it. Sometimes "fighting" just looks like showing up.

My fighting also looks like being carried. Honestly, I feel like I have been carried through this. Mostly, Eric is the one carrying me along. He is everything to me right now. And when I am not feeling brave, his bravery and strength lifts me. I feel like my ward, friends, and some family have also been right there carrying me through this. I don't feel like much of a "fighter" when everyone else is taking care of so much and encouraging me along.

At the same time, I do think we are capable of so much more than we realize. Fighting is recognizing that. We can do so much more than we think we can. I think as long as you desire the outcome and recognize the worth and value of the end goal, you can totally do whatever it is you have to face. In cancer, I know I want to live. I want to be a mom and a wife and enjoy this life on earth. That end goal is the most important to me. So I can endure all of the cancer treatments because I want to live.

I think the same applies to the rest of life. Whether it be finishing school, a personal best sports goal, starting a new job, moving somewhere new, whatever it is. When we desire something, we are totally capable of achieving it or facing it. No matter how hard. People tell me often how hard foster care and adoption would be for them. And it can be hard! But, to me, the value of it--caring for a precious child, giving them a chance at a healthy, productive life, and being a parent--is much more important than the fears and struggles of it. Because I desire to be a mom and to care for God's children, I can totally do it. I can do it even though it will be really, really hard. When we make up our minds to do something and we are motivated by the outcome, we can honestly do incredible things. Seriously, we can do so much more than we initially think we can.

Sometimes Heavenly Father needs us to step out of our comfort zones and choose to do hard things. Sometimes he allows hard things to happen to us. It's ok to face something hard. It's ok to be scared, worried, unprepared, and overwhelmed sometimes. Because the things we have to "fight" for are always some of the best.

She is OURS!!!

Introducing Brinna Louise Allred with her very happy family of seven!

She is legally and officially ours and we are beyond thrilled and relieved to have that be so!

She has been a light in our family ever since she joined us at two days old straight from the hospital. (I am hoping to write her story of joining our family soon.)

As soon as she entered our home, she entered our hearts. We have been smitten by her these past 13 months. Even with all the unknowns of foster care, all along the spirit has whispered so much peace to me that we would be adopting her. Having that day finally come was amazing!

We gathered at the court house with some of our family and good friends. It meant so much to have the support of loving people there with us to celebrate this happy day.

The adoption went smoothly. Each member of our family said their name for the judge.

Eric and I were sworn in.

Under oath, we answered the questions that led to the judge proclaiming Brinna adopted.

 Yay!

goofy golf at Golfland

Tonight we met up with Kadyn at Golfland. 

It makes me happy that these three bio brothers can have a healthy relationship and a special bond. 

I feel so lucky that we could adopt so that we could understand more fully about relationships and Heavenly Father’s plan for His children.

And this little child was fun to watch as she goofy golfed for the first time (that she will remember).

But when things weren’t working out, she got smart. 

She just picked up that ball and threw it in.

On a side note...

Urgent Weather Report: we hit triple digits today! Noooo! I’m not ready for the heat. Help!

fear to love

A friend introduced me to this great blog This Little Miggy. She hosted a writing contest and I decided to enter, just for kicks. I didn't win, and I'm ok with that because I really enjoyed the whole experience. But I was honored to be picked as a semi-finalist and my entry was posted on her blog here.

She asked the question, "How have you conquered fear and landed in love?" and gave us a 500 word limit. That limit was the absolute hardest part of the entire essay writing! I could've written so much more or gone on in an entirely different route if I was allowed more words. Being concise is not always easy. But I'm a rule follower and I wasn't sure how picky she would be about that parameter, so I got it down to exactly 500 words and submitted it.

So here is my 500 word essay about conquering fear and landing in love:

Some moments you never forget.  

Like the phone call from foster care placement asking us to add two little ones, ages 2 and 1, to our family. He asked, “Are you comfortable with special needs? The two-year-old tantrums a lot and autism is suspected.” No problem, I thought. This was not our first placement through foster care so I knew what tantrums looked like -- or so I imagined.  

I’ll, also, never forget the moment I first laid my eyes on that blue-eyed, blonde-haired little boy. We walked into the office and there he was strapped into a stroller and rocking his whole body back and forth, back and forth. And he was humming to himself. I will always remember his sweet voice humming. He was absolutely precious. 

As we drove that beautiful boy home, I felt confident. I had hours of parenting and trauma training, a past career in early childhood education, and my experience parenting two boys. I often gave parenting advice, solicited and unsolicited, to friends and family. I had it together.  
I jumped into the water with both feet.  

As the weeks passed, it became clear that the water was much colder and deeper than I expected. His delays were significant and his behaviors extremely challenging.   

Autism quickly taught me I knew nothing. And other people were going to see that. That was the terrifying part— The y were going to see we were struggling. I quickly realized I was trying to swim wearing a winter coat of judgement, pride, and expectations. I needed to shed that coat to move forward. 

The diagnosis of autism with developmental delays officially came 9 months after he joined our home. Some days I felt I was swimming through calm water and becoming stronger. My love for this special little boy deepened daily. The more I served him, the more I loved him. And each day I found joy in his approach to the world.  

But some days, when I was exhausted from treading in the waters of challenging behaviors day after day, those waves of fear would wash over my head. Were we the right family for him? Could we meet his needs? Could we embrace the challenges? Would our lives change?  

Would I let those fears anchor us down and tether us back?! 

I decided absolutely not. I love this boy. And I love what autism teaches me.  

Now four years after our adoption was finalized, we are swimming strong. I have learned to make adjustments and let some things go. Instead of hiking, we got a tandem bike and go on family bike rides. Instead of worrying about stares during a meltdown at the museum, we focus 
on the smile and kind words of a stranger. Instead of judging another mom with an “out of control” child, I ask how I can help. 

Swimming through these often scary waters has ultimately made me stronger, happier, and more filled with love for my son, for myself, and for others. 

Bio brother

Kacin and Kyler’s biological brother surprised them with a visit a few weeks ago. Kadyn had called me the day before to tell me he would be in AZ and it worked out perfectly that the hotel he was staying in was just five minutes away from where Kyler had a soccer tournament in Peoria.

I didn’t tell the boys he was coming. And when I made Kacin get out of the car and come with me to the soccer game instead of going with Eric to pick up food he was MAD. Which made the surprise that much better!

When Kadyn texted me that he was there, I asked Kacin to walk with me to throw something in the garbage. He still wasn’t happy about it, but he came with me. When he saw Kadyn walking towards us, he did a double take and then a huge grin spread across his face.

Together we walked over to where Kyler was warming up with his team. Kadyn snuck up behind Kyler and when he turned around it was a happy surprise to see him.

An amazing part of adoption is connecting with bio families. It is a beautiful thing for all of us. Adoption opens so many doors for love and healthy relationships. My heart just swells thinking about the blessings and perspective that adoption brings.

Anyways, the boys talked football and sports and enjoyed their hour together. We were so glad that Kadyn was able to visit.

sealing celebration

Over Memorial Day weekend, we celebrated our forever family. It has been 8 years since Kyler and Kacin were adopted and then sealed to us in the temple and 4 years since Layla and Perry. It is the most amazing, comforting, and purposeful thing for me to know that our family is eternal.

A few days before we celebrated our sealing (which we try to do Memorial day weekend), E and I went to the Gilbert temple and helped with sealings. A couple had brought in some family names and we got to help those couples and children have the opportunity to be sealed together. I loved that we got to hear the words of the sealing spoken many times as we did the work for those families. Though the words don't change, I seem to learn something new every time I do temple work. I loved that what stood out to me this time was exactly what stood out to Eric, too. I guess it was something we both needed to hear.

On sunday, we went to the Mesa temple. We sat outside and E shared a message with our children (it had to do with what we learned when doing sealings). Eric is a pretty great dad.

Perry was in a mood and a half. But he insisted I take his picture here.

And by some miracle, let's call it the miracle of the cheez-it bag found in the car (where it came from and how long it had been there nobody knows. but thank goodness it was there.), we were able to sit in a theater room in the visitor's center and watch one of the new videos about the restoration of the gospel. I really enjoyed it (in between calming someone down and feeding him cheeze-it by cheeze-it).

 

I laughed at Kacin's photo bomb found in this burst of pictures. Not to mention E ad Ky's pose. 

 

We managed to get everyone in this selfie (do you see Perry back there behind Kacin?) before we headed home and ate some cake. I love this family of mine!

nature vs. nurture

I sometimes feel like our family is a living case study of genetics and the whole nurture vs. nature debate. With two sets of biological siblings, we have noted some interesting similarities and differences between the two sets.

One set of siblings has always been early risers. The other set will sleep in.

One set will eat anything and everything. The other set is extremely picky.

One set is super athletic, coordinated, and physical. The other set is a bit calmer and has to put in a lot of effort on the gross motor play and movement.

One set is imaginative and creative. The other set tends to be more realistic and logical.

It's pretty interesting to watch some of the things they inherently do.

Then we had a visit with Layla and Perry's biological sister. While personalities are different, it is fascinating to see similar mannerisms and note a little health issue that all three children have. And it was pretty funny when Layla told them the name of her doll (Olivia) and it happens to be the same name that her bio sister uses to name her dolls! Pretty funny coincidence, or something.