happy birthday to you two

All Kacin wanted to do for his birthday was go quading. (really, that is all he ever wants to do, but we can usually only make it happen on his birthday..) So we borrowed the Schlink’s two ATVs and headed out to the desert.

It was a little chilly for these Arizona kids. But it was such a beautiful day in the desert!















Brinnie got her first ride.



Kacin invited a few friends.



Brinnie spent most of her time playing happily on the trailer.



Layla was so excited to try driving, but Perry was content riding along in the back with whoever would take him.





We brought food from in-n-out back with us to the house and then sang happy birthday to our 14 year old!!





Kacin is a pretty spectacular 14 year old. He is tough, kind, smart, clever, hard working, an amazing big brother, sweet, energetic, athletic, and full of life.

He also spent part of his birthday at radiation with me. Now that is a good kid. These three got a tour of the radiation room and saw what I do every day (it meant the world to me to have them there!).



Kacin is quite loved in our family!

Two days after Kacin's birthday is Eric's birthday. It worked out this year that a sweet friend watched all of the kids for us so we could sneak away for 24 hours. We were so grateful for the getaway! We spent the morning on the atv's in the desert. We spent the rest of the day eating brazilian food, shopping, going out with friends to dinner and games.



It was so refreshing to spend a couple of hours in the beautiful desert. Mud, sun, cacti, and mountains--Yes, please!












Happy birthday to Kacin and Eric!

Christmas 2018

I’m finally sitting down to quickly document Christmas 2018.

Our Christmas was pretty simple this year. Maybe a little disappointing for some in our family. But I don’t feel bad at all because even simple is pretty wonderful. Our kids have a good life. They have more than what they need. We have had plenty of Christmas’s in the past with big fun surprises. This just wasn’t one of them. 

But I do think we got to focus on what is most important—family and relationships and our Savior. And that made it wonderful.

Our plans had to change a few times throughout the week because of sickness in our extended family and at home. So on Christmas Eve what ended up happening was that two of my sisters came over to eat, play, and exchange gifts.

Santa came and we had a nice Christmas morning exchanging gifts. 

We always stop at the stairs and watch a short video about our Savior before heading down to see what Santa brought. 

Brinna was pleased with her gift from Santa.

Eric looks pleased with his Christmas gift, too. :)

Magic tricks, mermaid tails, and karaoke..

This kiddo was so excited about the Incredibles video game he asked for.

Perry was so excited to give Brinnie this Santa stuffy he picked out for her.

Brinnie figured out present opening pretty quick.

We met with a couple of families to play kickball Christmas afternoon.

A few days later we got together with the Allred side.

And a few days after that we gathered with my parents and sister for more presents and for the annual Untalent show. Kacin did magic tricks, Perry sang the Rescue Bots song, Brinna did baby tricks, Layla sang “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth”, and Kyler did tricks with his butterfly knife.

fighter

*I wrote this post back in September. I just realized I never published it. 

I saw someone I hadn't seen in awhile. She asked if I had cancer and I told her my story. She commented that I was a fighter. That made me want to laugh. I am sooo not a fighter. But this actually gets said to me often so it's been on my mind lately.

I've said from my initial diagnosis, that if my choices were flight or fight, I'd choose to flight every time. Most of the time I'd rather run and hide from uncomfortable situations. I'd rather pretend it wasn't happening or wash my hands of it and separate myself from it. I'd rather escape than face it head on with courage.

So the thing is with cancer, you don't really get a choice to flight or flight. You just do. You have to "fight. " You have to do it. What choice do you have? Yes, I guess my thoughts have gone to those dark places of what that other choice would be if I didn't fight, because I have such fear of anything medical, but I know that is not my choice or one of my options. So I take it day by day and I just do it. Sometimes "fighting" just looks like showing up.

My fighting also looks like being carried. Honestly, I feel like I have been carried through this. Mostly, Eric is the one carrying me along. He is everything to me right now. And when I am not feeling brave, his bravery and strength lifts me. I feel like my ward, friends, and some family have also been right there carrying me through this. I don't feel like much of a "fighter" when everyone else is taking care of so much and encouraging me along.

At the same time, I do think we are capable of so much more than we realize. Fighting is recognizing that. We can do so much more than we think we can. I think as long as you desire the outcome and recognize the worth and value of the end goal, you can totally do whatever it is you have to face. In cancer, I know I want to live. I want to be a mom and a wife and enjoy this life on earth. That end goal is the most important to me. So I can endure all of the cancer treatments because I want to live.

I think the same applies to the rest of life. Whether it be finishing school, a personal best sports goal, starting a new job, moving somewhere new, whatever it is. When we desire something, we are totally capable of achieving it or facing it. No matter how hard. People tell me often how hard foster care and adoption would be for them. And it can be hard! But, to me, the value of it--caring for a precious child, giving them a chance at a healthy, productive life, and being a parent--is much more important than the fears and struggles of it. Because I desire to be a mom and to care for God's children, I can totally do it. I can do it even though it will be really, really hard. When we make up our minds to do something and we are motivated by the outcome, we can honestly do incredible things. Seriously, we can do so much more than we initially think we can.

Sometimes Heavenly Father needs us to step out of our comfort zones and choose to do hard things. Sometimes he allows hard things to happen to us. It's ok to face something hard. It's ok to be scared, worried, unprepared, and overwhelmed sometimes. Because the things we have to "fight" for are always some of the best.

today and back then

I have thought about starting a number of blog posts since Christmas. But it’s so hard to muster up the energy and brain power to do it right now. Radiation is leaving me exhausted to the bones! But my goal has always been to post at least once a week. And for ten years now I’ve pretty much stuck to that. So even though all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep, here I am with two pictures.

One. 

I was looking for a Disneyland picture on my phone, and came across pictures from 2017. I had hair, eyelashes, and the tiniest little love in my arms. I miss those days.

Two. 

Eric and I took ATVs out on his birthday. Oh, how different life is today from 2017! Sure, in some ways I am the same person. But in so many more ways, I am different now. And I don’t just mean the lack of hair. Though that is a pretty big change that I struggle with a lot. Cancer changes you to your core in beautiful ways and some dark ways. But hopefully the dark ways will emerge beautiful with time. It is not easy right now, but I do have hope.