happy Valentine’s Day

I tell myself that the days I don’t have very many pictures are the ones that I was the most present in. And not that I just plain old forgot to take any pictures.

Valentine’s Day has always been my all time favorite holiday. We had a lot going on the days leading up to it  so I don’t feel like I was very prepared for the day, but in the end we had a fun celebration as a family and it all worked out.

Layla was SO into making valentines this year. Oh man, I wish I had a picture of the ones she made for her class. She made individual cards and wrote inside each one for her classmates. She attached a heart shaped clip to the front and put a sucker on. She worked happily and hard on them. She is so very creative! (All I did was take her to buy the candy). Then on Wednesday she realized that she didn’t have valentines for everyone on her bus yet. So she got right to work making cards for everyone on the bus. 

Then she decided to make one huge valentine for everyone in her class. “I love you guys. You’re so nice.” etc. Be still my heart! 

Perry was supposed to write his own name on all his valentines. After he did three, I walked out of the room. A few minutes later, his name had been written out on all 25 stickers. Somehow he convinced Layla to do it all for him. Sneaky (smart) little guy. 

They were both pretty excited to come home with all their Valentine's loot.




Brinna had hearts on her socks and hearts on her shirt. Unfortunately, I only got a picture of this love bug eating her heart shaped sandwich.


Kyler knows my love for this holiday and sacrificed his time (he has a lot going on these days) to make sure he made a card for me and everyone else in the family. He wrote me the sweetest note. I sure love him.


Our days plans were canceled because of the weather—Brinna was feeling under the weather and the rain canceled soccer practice. That ended up being such a blessing for me to stay home and clean the house and prepare Valentines cards and a simple special valentines dinner which we actually got to enjoy as a family because we didn’t have to rush off to practice. We ended the night with a dance party with the three littles while the older boys worked on homework.

I love this family of mine. Happy Valentine’s Day!

catchy songs

We have been playing the new Lego movie 2 soundtrack on repeat since we saw the movie on saturday.

"This song's gonna get stuck inside your
This song's gonna get stuck inside your
This song's gonna get stuck inside your Head...
Cuz it's so catchy, catchy, it's such a catchy song
It'll make you happy, happy..."

That song may be partly totally obnoxious,

BUT

Music is powerful.

“My soul is always lifted up, and my spirit cheered and comforted, when I hear good music. I rejoice in it very much indeed.”
--President Joseph Fielding Smith

I'm not entirely sure that he was referring to the Lego Movie soundtrack when he said that in a conference, but all music has a powerful influence on our spirits and emotions. And there is plenty of good music out there.

Music has become an important part of our family. Not that we have any skill or talent in making beautiful music!! We definitely do not. But we have FUN.

(Ok, I guess I should say that most of us have a love for music. I sometimes think Eric just tolerates all of the dance parties at home and the blasting music in the car. But maybe deep down he loves it, too... Ha!)

Kyler and Kacin listen to songs to "pump themselves up" before a game or match.

Kyler listens to music to help himself focus while doing homework (I'm not convinced on this one, but he assures me it helps).

Perry hums to himself when he is in a good mood.

Brinnie loves to find the toys around the house that play music when you press the buttons and she dances to them. Her face lights up when we sing songs like "wheels on the bus" with her.

Layla falls asleep better at night after a song, usually Blackbird, and comes home happy after her music theater class.

I love blasting music in the car and dancing at stoplights. Music has brought me a lot of peace and comfort throughout my cancer treatments, too.

And of course a favorite family activity is our dance parties. Which I would do every night if I could. We don't worry what anyone thinks or how we look. We just dance.

We recently discovered karaoke. Another music activity that no one in our family is particularly good at (most of us can not carry a tune!), but is fun to do at home nevertheless. Before they left to the stake dance, we bribed these teenage boys with $5 for the best karaoke performance. We got some good ones! We didn't have to bribe Perry--he just wanted to sing Lego songs. :)

Music brings so much joy.

One of the reasons I wrote this now was because I was thinking about our 2019 family theme (and because the lego movie songs are truly stuck in my head), but I just realized I never introduced our new theme on here! Theme post coming soon...

more on cancer

Cancer is pretty stupid.

Part of me wants to end this post right there with that statement. That about sums it up.

I don't know if I should sit here and write when I'm in a crappy mood about it all, or if it would be better to give myself some time to process and then when I have a better attitude share this.

Oh well. I'm choosing just to write it all out today. 

I sat in my car and cried for nearly an hour. And then I wiped my eyes and went to costco with a red puffy face, and bought less food than I usually do because buying food when you are nauseous and stressed just isn't as fun, and got kids off the bus and home from practices and such. 

I stayed in motion for the rest of the night--driving to and from soccer, going to a relief society meeting, then off to target with a friend to work on a birthday present for another friend. I'm afraid if I stop my emotions will catch up with me again.

It sometimes feels like a nightmare I can never wake up from. As soon as I think I am at the end, there always seems to be one more cancer thing that just won't allow me to move on. 

Now, I completely acknowledge that in the whole grand scheme of things, sacrificing one year, or even five years, and doing hard thing after hard thing during that time is really nothing much if it means living many, many more years with people I love on this earth that I love. 

But sometimes it is hard to see the big picture when there are needles and lasers and syringes of red chemicals coming at you while your hair falls out and your body falls apart. 

My fear of anything medical runs deep, I tell you. I have had to face my biggest fears day after day.

But I should also remember that for every crappy thing I have had to do, Heavenly Father has blessed me equally so. Probably even more so! Heavenly Father has not left me alone. And I know that's true for all of us no matter what we are going through. If we only take a minute to stop and see it.

For example, one sunday I was having a super low day and struggling on the inside. I spent some time in prayer that afternoon. Soon after we went to a missionary open house and ran into someone that I don't usually see very often, but who was exactly who I needed to see that day. And funny thing, I actually saw her at the store again the next morning. Talking with her both days settled me down and helped me feel normal. That same sunday night just before I went to bed, I saw an email from someone else who shared something with me. And it wasn't so much what she said, though that was great too, but the spirit that poured through into me as I read her email. I know God's hand was in those two small details that lifted me up when I needed it. Time and time again this happens.

I'm grateful for the Holy Ghost in guiding people and in helping me notice the miracles that happen and that God is there for me no matter what. I hope that I can learn to listen to the whisperings of the Spirit and do what God needs me to do just like so many people have done for me and do for others, too. 

My knowledge can not be more sure--God is real. He loves us, He knows us, He helps us, He answers prayers in all sorts of unexpected ways. He wants us to use our hands, our hearts, and our voices to lift each other. 

Because we all have hard things we have to do.

Ok, back to the details of my hard things for a minute...:) 

I was able to get my port out on Wednesday. I was so ready for that thing to come out. Sometimes I didn't notice it, but sometimes it felt like it was choking me and somehow Brinnie always seemed to bang against it. It was time. And I was hoping taking it out would signify the end of all those big treatments. E and a friend gave me a priesthood blessing the night before. I was SO grateful for that.

I learned at the hospital while they put the IV in my hand that one of my veins is blocked by scar tissue. Which meant three pokes and two veins. You bet there were tears at that point. The rest of the surgery went as planned. I love my breast surgeon. She is skilled and oh so kind. I hate everything about surgery though. Especially the anesthesia. I woke up after the 30 something minute surgery shaking and shivering. Six blankets and some meds into my IV later, we got my body to stop. And this little alien thing was out of me!

I have been sore and bruised, but the pain has been manageable. This picture was taken on day 3 and so it looks better than it did.. But Perry saw it that first day and told me it was disgusting. Brinnie even pointed and said "ow."

I met with my oncologist the day after surgery. Since that time I've been full of anxiety about the next steps. I just want this to end! But I can’t see the end quite yet.. 

Again, I know that I should be grateful and happy, and deep down I really truly am, because my cancer is in remission! There is no evidence of disease. I am NED. 

But, even as NED, I am not finished yet. I can't quite move on. For one, we went over my labs and my white blood count was the lowest it has been. So I have to recheck in a few weeks. And then my doctor's plan for me is different than I was expecting. He wants me to get shots once a month that keep me in menopause and take a daily aromatase inhibitor for the next five years. I was expecting a pill, but not the shots. Besides the fact that I hate needles more than anything, the side effects of any of these drugs and shots do not sound very nice. I believe I am too young for this. Remember, I am only 34. I am scared and I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Of course, the possible effects of the alternative of not doing anything doesn't sound so great either. I guess I just need some processing time. And maybe a little bit of time to mourn, too.   

So while I do that, God sent some of the sweetest girls in the world to my door to spread some love. Beehives are the best! 

From my study this week: "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can." --Ezra Taft Benson

think lovely wonderful thoughts

"You just think lovely wonderful thoughts,' Peter explained, 'and they lift you up in the air."
--from Peter Pan


Layla has had a hard time falling asleep lately. And when she gets to sleep she often wakes up from bad dreams. So we are now in the habit of reminding her to think of two happy thoughts and to have them ready to focus on when she needs them. Most nights, this does the trick. (and the nights it doesn’t, she begs to sleep in the same room as her older brothers and that always does the trick)

Her happy thoughts shift night to night. But usually they are wonderful things like our upcoming trip to Legoland and her baby sister Brinna.

(I just finished reading the book, Peter Pan. It is such a delightful classic, with a layered meaning that I never understood until I read the book as an adult. I highly recommend it if you've never read it.)

piñata

Kacin had to create a piñata for his Spanish class. There was some grumbling about this project, but in the end he pulled off a pretty incredible BB8 piñata and learned a lot about hard work, creativity, patience, and management. I wish I got a better picture of him with the final project before he took it to school. I thought about waiting to post this until he brings it home, but I’m not entirely sure he will be able to wait until it gets home to smash it to bits. (It’s pretty lucky it survived until the due date. Ha!) Nice job, Kac!

Since I’ve been posting some of my favorite quotes lately, and in honor of Kacin’s creation of BB8, here’s a few of my favorite Star Wars quotes..

“We have hope. Rebellions are built on hope.”-Jyn Erso 

“Never tell me the odds.” - Han Solo

“Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them.” - Obi Wan Kenobi 

“Let the Wookie win.”- C3PO

Brazil presentation

All of the second graders at Perry’s school are “taking a trip around the world” and studying different countries. Eric got to go into the general education class that Perry goes to for some of his day to present on Brazil.

Eric did a fabulous job on his presentation and I know Perry loved having him there. Also, Brinna was so excited to see Perry. When he walked into the room, she shouted his name and ran to him. I'm so glad those two siblings have that special bond.

Eric brought in Brazilian candy and Perry was proud to hand out to all of the kids.



Such a great class and a fun opportunity!

sand play

Eric questioned my judgement when I asked him to move this to the courtyard.

And then someone called it an ash tray. Hmm.

But this is one of Brinnie’s favorite places to play. We close the gate in the courtyard and she moves between the sand and the rocks. It’s a perfect activity in the afternoon when we are waiting for the elementary kids bus.

I saw this quote on Goodreads and I love the spirit of it (but I've never read this book): "I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift." --Shauna Niequist "Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life"