it’s so nice to meet you little one

saturday morning

a phone call

a drive to Phoenix

some lunch

then hello there,

little one

piece of heaven in your arms

pure joy

soft and careful

frantic stop

welcome home 

loving arms, proud girl






more hellos

cutest greeting yet

biggest smiles, pure excitement




another turn, heart is full

protection and care


sweet, love

wide eyes


teeny tiny

i see you, i am here




snuggle in

could it be so?

yes, in my arms you go

wonder and delight


peace and bliss

precious one




belonging

how does one so small make hearts swell so big?

a trip to Prescott and a happy birthday to grandma

My mom celebrated another year!

We decided to travel up to Prescott to wish her a happy birthday. All the grand kids that currently live in the US gathered around her.

We ate lunch and played in the park nestled in the trees. The old piles of snow was the first time some of my kids had ever seen real snow I think!

We stopped by the courthouse to find grandpa Alvin Allen’s name on the WW2 memorial.

Then grabbed a birthday treat for everyone at a local bakery.

We be lookin’ so good...

We sang happy birthday back at her apartment. Layla took the only pictures we got since in my lap was a newly jealous 3 year old.




I’m so grateful for a mom who taught me to put the Lord first, who made a lot of sacrifices to raise and mother us, who taught me to respect myself and be independent, who found joy in the small things in life, who treats each person she talks to with value and love, and who loves each of my children. Happy birthday, mom/grandma!

all through the night (lung biopsy)

*I wrote this post months and months ago. and just realized I never finished or posted it. It was an experience that even six months later I feel deeply affected me and changed me. so I wanted it here on my blog to remember*

I had my routine six month CT scan on July 27th. When I saw my doctor that week, he let me know that the CT scan showed something on my lungs. He knew I had been sick a few weeks before so we guessed that it might have something to do with that, but to be safe he wanted to do a PET scan.

It was the first time for me to get a PET scan on August 7th. I had some nerves about the experience and what the results might bring, but the scan itself was much better than many things I have done in my life. And I was grateful to get a PET scan (which is much more thorough than a CT scan) finally just to know.

My doctor called me a few days later after we had put the kids to bed. That is a sure sign of a good doctor to give me a call even later at night. He told me the nodule was glowing on the PET scan at a 5.8, higher than they would like to see it, but not a sure bet that it was cancer. It was measuring at about 11mm. But he wanted to get a lung biopsy done to check it out.

I felt numb. Or calm. I wasn't sure. Nothing about the words lung biopsy made me feel good inside. But I also didn't want to get caught up in worry and fear about any of it until I had some actual answers. I did know that if the cancer was back and in my lungs then that would be very, very bad news. But I also knew that it could be nothing of consequence.

That night I fell right asleep as usual. I often have vivid, crazy dreams, but that night I had a dream that will be difficult for me to forget. It started out wild and nonsensical--I was at a paint and sip place with a girl from elementary school and she stole some tablecloths (the dollar store ones no less!) from the shop. Then Eric and Brinna and I went outside and everything was flooded so the only way to get around was to tube through the streets so we went uphill and downhill on the roads until we ended up at our "house." Eric and I stepped out of the garage and came around to the front porch where a big group of diverse people were standing on the porch. I didn't recognize anyone. But somehow I knew they were the young adults from church. A girl with curly hair stepped towards me and started talking to me. She explained that they were there to see me and to sing to me.

Then a guy looked me in the eyes and asked me about the results of the scan. Something about the dream changed for me at that point. It was like reality settled in and I told him everything that my doctor had said to me. He looked at me with compassion. Then he and a few others took my hands and stood in a circle with me and started singing. After each line of the song, more people would join us and add their voices to the song. The two songs were absolutely beautiful. When I woke up from the dream during the second song, the lyrics were running through my head, but I had to google the songs to remember what they were. They had been singing the lullaby "All Through the Night" followed by "Come Thou Fount." It was lovely dream that brought me so much comfort. 

"Sleep my child and peace attend thee,
All through the night
Guardian angels God will send thee,
All through the night

Soft the drowsy hours are creeping,
Hill and vale in slumber steeping,
I my loving vigil keeping,
All through the night

While the moon her watch is keeping,
All through the night
While the weary world is sleeping,
All through the night"

"Come thou fount of every blessing 

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise...

Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love...

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it , seal it for thy courts above."

The next week was full of emotion and appointments to get ready for the biopsy. I listened to my two songs, especially "All Through the Night" (the version by Nick Lechey), over and over again. When I was feeling anxious, the words brought me comfort. "Guardian angels God will send thee." I just needed to remember that I was not alone.

I had to drive down to the hospital a few days before my biopsy to get a covid test and other standard pre-biopsy testing done. I was so nervous to go into that hospital in mask all by myself. I wanted to cry, but I thought of that promise again. Guardian angels God will send me. And I put all my trust into that. I prayed to God as I drove. I felt the most comfort and peace and strength that I had felt in the longest time. I was not alone. I felt strength as I walked in to the hospital back to get my testing. God also sent me an angel in the form of a person on earth. She was an older lady who sat herself close to me when she walked in and started talking to me. This woman had been through A LOT. It humbled me and put my life's challenges and complaints in perspective. Not to mention she was a distraction as I sat there. I always say my favorite part of cancer is the people you meet.

I was so grateful that for the actual biopsy Eric was allowed to come with me. Having him with me brought me so much comfort. And the nurses and doctors that helped me before and after were so great about letting him be with me. 

  

Before the biopsy the doctor explained how close to a main artery my nodule was but that he was confident that he could get it. Thank goodness he did.

The anesthesia didn't make me nauseas this time but it did make me loopy. Eric was able to sit with me the entire time that I was coming to. Apparently, he recorded the whole thing. I don't remember half of it and vaguely remember the other half. It made us laugh to watch it later. And much of what I said has become family inside jokes. Like, you need a swimsuit for every occasion. Because I know how to laugh at myself, here you go. Sorry it's long.

I came home after a few hours. My kids made me feel so loved when I walked into my room. I had pain in my back and my lungs made weird crackling noises when I breathed for awhile. But recovery wasn't too bad.

I tried so hard to live in the moment as I waited for my results. I tried not to let my thoughts spiral. I tried to focus on what I knew today and not worry about tomorrow's things until tomorrow. 

But the truth was, if this was breast cancer again then it was terminal. It really truly would be. And this was a very real possibility. Not a wild worry. But a realistic concern. Every time my brain went there I worked so hard to keep it back to the moment. I tried to distract myself as best as I could. It mostly worked and I felt quite a bit of calm. But not all the way.

The day that I had my doctor's appointment with Dr. O came. Eric and I sat side by side waiting for our telehealth call (because covid). Dr. O got on and told us right away that he had good news and that it was not cancer. He told us that he was so relieved when he saw the results because he had been so worried when he saw the nodule. Well, let me tell you he is a good doctor because he didn't let his worry come through the first time--he only shared with me hope and confidence that there would be a plan no matter what. But it was interesting to hear after the fact that this really could have been a very big deal. 

Such relief washed over me. I released all of these emotions that I didn't even quite realize that I was carrying.

After all of that drama, I really wondered why the heck I had to go through all that and what I learned from the whole experience. It actually taught me and shaped me in a lot of ways. I learned another way that Heavenly Father speaks to me. I learned about my own strength and the value of all of the coping tools I have learned. I saw my faith and trust in God tested and strengthened. I knew that I was not alone even if I had to do something by myself. I realized that cancer and stuff like biopsies are just going to be a part of my life and it is better to just accept it. I practiced controlling my anxiety instead of letting it control me. I learned, again, the value of living life to the fullest--for you never know how long you have on this earth.

family movie nights

It’s a sad reality for me, but our teenage boys aren’t home as much anymore. I guess you could say they are spreading their wings and spending more time at work, with friends, or at school and sports practice. I cherish all the time I get with my boys. 

Even though we are not all together as much, we still have plenty of fun family time with the other kids. Perry has been loving staying up late for Friday night movies together. He gets so excited to pick out a movie to watch with all of us. We might start with some fights over spots, the movie, and who gets to watch, but we pass out treats and snuggle in and we love it.

Our last movie was Mary Poppins Returns. We had to get up to do a little dancing during this movie.

So much wisdom from Mary Poppins. I shared some of my favorite quotes on Instagram, but I’ll share them here too. I love me a good quote.

“When the world turns upside down, the best thing to do is turn right along with it.” 

“You’re too focused on where you’ve been to pay attention to where you’re going.“ 

“Today or never. 

That’s my motto.”

“A cover is not the book. So open it up and take a look.”

We sure look forward to Perry’s family movie nights each week!

homeschooling

Layla and I have embarked on an adventure together.

I get to homeschool this sweet, bright little one of mine.

She went to our neighborhood school for the first semester wearing a faceshield. Unfortunately, our school district changed their policy after Christmas and face shields were no longer an option.  This triggered some major anxiety in L. With bribes and encouragement and after experimenting with all sorts of masks, she did give it a try and made it to school for a day and a half. Ultimately, she decided, and I agreed, to give homeschooling a go.

We are just starting week two and a half of this adventure. I see it as a beautiful gift to have this time to teach Layla in our home. And it will not be easy. However, we are both up for the challenge. It just feels like the right thing to do right now. Not forever. But for right now.

Last week, we took a mid day hike together on Silly mountain while Brinna played at a friends house.

We took some of her school work with us to Kneaders and got lunch and worked on some assignments. And that's when I knew I loved homeschool.

Then we went home and I tried to sit down to help her with her next assignment, but I was tired and short-tempered and she was tired and unfocused.

That's when I knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

I know we can do it. It will take work, organization, and sacrifice, I also know that we will need to extend ourselves grace, flexibility, and perspective. And if we do all that the benefits will outweigh the challenges. I feel that.

We are still fine tuning some things, but we have a good rhythm. This is our little work area. (I almost went to straighten the papers and push in the chairs before I took the pictures, but this is the reality of it including the Brinna scribbles all over the whiteboard).


Hanging on the corkboard is a daily schedule for M/W/F and T/Th. It is a good structure, but we never follow it exactly. We have two envelopes hanging up with her schedule cards in them. I wrote out all of her tasks in sections on notecards and laminated those cards. Each morning I put them in order according to our schedule for the day and what we have going on. She pulls one out. We do the work listed. She places the cards in the second envelope when she is done.

The cards are labeled Warm-ups, Word Work, Reading, Outside, Math, Read Aloud, Writing, Games, Homework, Science, History, and Cooking. Each card has a basic structure, though the activities will change. For example, math is always mental math, computation, lesson, and problem set. And Warm Ups are always phonograms, math fact practice, a work book page from her literacy program, math review problems, and rocket math. 

She always does Warm ups, Word Work, Reading, and Math. Most days she does Writing and Read Aloud, but I don't worry if we miss those occasionally (because she likes to write and she likes to listen to books at night before bed anyways).  Her homework, which she does after dinner with dad,  is always to do her math corrections and occasionally another short assignment. We rotate either history, science, or cooking each day. I try to make sure we play math or literacy games at the end of the day at least a couple of times a week. Sometimes we play together, some activities are individual, and some are on the computer.

Each card has a money value associated with it. At the end of the day, we count up all the money she earned from the completed cards. That school money can then be used during the week for treats, field trips, lunch dates, screen time, etc.

I have set it up so that she has a mix of independent activities and lessons with me balanced throughout the day. When I am exercising or busy with things around the house or out with errands etc. then she does her independent tasks. 

We keep all of her books, assignments, and curriculum in these tubs. Thank goodness I've saved a lot of resources from my teaching days, but I did order Saxon Math to stay on track with what her neighborhood school does. 

Curriculum resources: Saxon Math, spalding phonograms, rebecca sitton, making words, Journeys, Sylvan vocab, Rocket Math, Lucy Calkin's reading and writing workshop, the Good and the Beautiful handwriting and science, lakeshore building fluency cards, etc. 

I think we have a good balance of flexibility and structure while trying to make sure we are covering all the things and helping Layla do her best learning.

We must be doing something right because she loves homeschooling so much that she created her own school for Brinn and her cousins.

It was too cute watching her combine all of the elements of school that she loves (most notably a treasure box haha) to create a fun "school" herself. 

I hope this homeschooling adventure will be one that we look back on fondly.