Infertility and Me

I've written of it before.
Yet I write of it again
because this is what I'm experiencing.
I write to release.
There are so many emotions,
not everyone can understand,
just like I don't fully understand what it's like to
be abused, lose my dad, or battle cancer.
It comes in waves.
I am happy, I am satisfied, I am hopeful.
I am sad, I am frustrated, I am hopeless.

Each month when it doesn't happen,
I grieve a loss.
I cry. I sob.
No one usually knows.
I have to keep going.
I am still a mom to two fantastic little boys
whom I love, care for, and am ever so grateful for.
But my heart yearns for more.

I know it's not true, but the thoughts race through my mind,
am I not a good enough mother?
can I not be trusted with more?
am I forgotten?
I push the thoughts aside because
deep down I know it's not so.

And then the advice comes:
just relax.
stop worrying about it and then it will just happen.
I knew a girl who . . .
Even once, I heard, "Eric, just get her drunk!"

I wonder why I even want to bear a child so much.
It will cause more physical pain than I care to think about.
It will mean a trip to the hospital and IV's.
I will get puffy and large and tired.
Or the child may end up some strange
and unpleasant combination of my chubby cheeks and E's big neck.
Still, I ache for it.
I know the love and the joy only a mother feels.
And I want that.

I tend to think about infertility as my trial.
The trial that is for me at this time
because that is how my Heavenly Father knew I would learn best.
Maybe some people would experience infertility
and be able to "just relax",
maybe some would go get drunk to get through,
but with my sadness and strugglings
the way I have found
is to recognize that it's ok for me to feel sad.
It wouldn't exactly be called one of my trials if I wasn't upset about it.
Now I take that sadness and I find strength
in a caring, supportive husband
in a family who loves me no matter what
in connecting with friends who share similar stories
in a son who prays daily "bless mommy to have a baby, if it be Thy will"
and most importantly
in my Savior, Jesus Christ,
who has felt all that I feel,
who I can trust,
who will not leave me alone.

This adventure of infertility will not end for me tomorrow.
I have hope that it won't be too much longer,
but it may not ever end on this earth.
But I am grateful because
I've been stretched.
I have stronger relationship with E.
I am learning about patience and service.
I seek daily for greater faith
and a closer relationship with my Heavenly Father.
I am grateful for what infertility is teaching me.